If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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