3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
