My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
