Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
