Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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