Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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