i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
