Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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