she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
