she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
