I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
