Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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