I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
