if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
