Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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