just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
