That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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