I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
