nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize