you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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