If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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