On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
