Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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