You just made me feel so damn special
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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