you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
