My liver just broke up with me...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
