R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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