Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
