The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
