I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
