dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
