You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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