Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
