to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
