she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
