she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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