Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
