I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
