Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
