Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
