I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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