I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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