i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
