I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
