How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
