so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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