my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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