my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
