and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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