i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
