Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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