Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
