Moan for me like Helen Keller
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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