i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
