dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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