i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
