Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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