I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize