I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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