It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
