i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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