i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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