I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
