This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
