do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
