I puked a lego.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
